As you know, unless you live under a rock or have been a prisoner of war for the past couple of years, vampires are currently a VERY BIG DEAL. they’re huge! Vampires sell books and vampires sell T-shirts and…well, I mean, not literally they probably get people to do that sort of thing for them, what with being otherwise busy having angst.
Nonetheless, you cannot argue, Vampires are a big deal. Just look at Stephanie Meyer’s things, the Twilight books. I cannot hurl a stone without hitting someone wearing a “Twilight t-shirt” on campus, primarily because that would be assault and I would go to jail. Hot Topic has a massive display of Twilight stuff. A movie is coming out.
They’re a big deal.
And it’s hard to see why not! Vampires are sexy! They are gothic and angsty and passionate, they are dark and mysterious and they love you eternally and will totally not giving exsanguination-hickies to anyone else, at least nobody hot.
There is a long tradition of smokin’ sexy vampires. People like Stephanie Meyer do not just spontaneously generate! Nossir, they come (by “come” I mean “ignore” or “poo on” in the original Latin definition) from a long history of sexy vampires. Let’s look at some of them. Of course, there’s the original hunk who started it all, the more-Brad Pittier-than-Brad Pitt sexpot who couldn’t HELP but inspire some of the early Vampire stories, particularly the story by that nice Mormon angst-haver, Bram Stoker. Ladies, fan yourselves, it’s Vlad the Impaler (presumably, it goes without saying that he impales you with sexy.)
Whoooo! I think you can see where “Edward” gets it all from in Meyer’s books. Holy cow. If you are female, you are probably not reading this right now because you can’t stop gazing at that picture, particularly the mustache of dedicated love and attention.
But why stop there?
Brad Pitt, who I mentioned above you may remember, played a vampire in some movie with Christian Slater, who was having a career back then (and also with Kirsten Dunst, who was scary as hell) and he was zomg hot omg. And of course, he had a proud film tradition of too-hot-to-handle vampires to draw from. It was practically banned from theaters for sheer hotness. You may not be ready for the sexy which is Nosferatu, but give it your best effort. Maybe find an attractive man to fan you while you look at it. Here you are…
Ahhh, you begin to see where the vampire-lovin’ comes from. I’m a straight man, and *I* find it hard to articulate in independent clauses how much I would like a piece of that. I can practically fail to say it! whoa! Looks like we know who Justin Timberlake had to bring the sexy back from!
And finally, just to, ha ha, finish this post off, gner gner! *nudge* Here are two final sexy pictures.
I have to tell you that this post is nearly a swimsuit calender of blood drinking sexy hotness.
And now, I think I need to go have a sit down and a cup of tea, just to recover my morals. Whoa.
This concludes the clear and obvious history of vampire sexiness which has led to the current phenomenon. I thank you for your time. Tip yer waiters.
(This historical dissertation brought to you by Cleolinda Jones, and her hilarious breakdowns of Meyers book-shaped things.)